Pattern Matching #1

I do not make the rules, my brain does. Those people who insist that their hearts rule their heads clearly do not exist within the tyranny of the neurodivergent mindset. I am frequently function ahead of satisfaction, with a couple of key caveats. Every morning therefore I begin with pattern matching: Solitaire and Mahjong. That’s colours and numbers / colours and shapes to fire up the cells.

The improvement in the ability to function successfully as a result of this has been significant. The only bigger positive change was when I stopped producing sufficient oestrogen to be fertile. It’s not something I talk about that much either because of how I accept this makes me even more of an outlier than is currently the case. Other people do ‘being a woman’ so much more successfully than I do.

Recently, therefore, it has sensible to focus on ‘being myself’ more.

I’ve woken up wanting to dive into long-form again. There’s enough history behind this desire to accept that means we are in a period where the stupidity of existence as it stands is prompting my brain to recall times past, and that it would benefit from a period of simply writing as therapy. It’s not that there is anything particularly bad or wrong either. I feel the need to focus on positives.

This has come about as a direct consequence of trying to put a poetry collection together that, whether I like it or not, is moving in a dark direction. I am going today, before anything else of note takes place, to physically print out everything I have so far (two poems per page) and play ‘shuffle the order’ with what currently exists. There is a plan forming. We’ll talk about it in a specific post next week.

The long form blog decision also comes from a conversation I had yesterday.

I have met two artists as a result of the Trail whose attitude and approach (and neurodivergence) compelled me to go and have a longer conversation with them past what was originally presented whilst viewing their work. Yesterday that meant going to ask questions which I knew would be answered honestly. What I heard has confirmed a number of events, as a reality that was accurately experienced.

This is going to better inform my own decision making going forward. I’m grateful for the insight, but more importantly for the truth, because it is very apparent to me now that what I’d considered might be problematic with this process has the potential to become exactly that. This is also a post for another time, and once I have delivered my physical obligation to the Trail.

I need long-form to help hold all these issues in tension before picking them apart.

I also am craving some routine back that is not underpinned by high stress and pressure. My poetry warmups are being channelled into the collection for the time being, for the most part. That does not help my general wellbeing, and becomes another issue in itself. We then have a number of ‘other projects’ which deserve writing about, but none as yet have passed the ‘successful outcome‘ stage.

If any of these projects do come to pass, there will be a LOT to write about…