Honesty #3

or, Times Change and so must You

We will return to the normal posting schedule on Monday. Today, however, I am reminded that as excitement begins around my second formal long-form(ish) publication, which has taken three years of hard work, other people will not share this enthusiasm. Once upon a time, not that long ago as it happens, I learnt that not everyone will be my friend. Now, I feel this message is worth repeating.

The way that lesson was learnt was watching certain people in my ‘sphere’ of poetry and writing get excited and celebrate their own successes before actively accepting how it was actively dragging me down. Crucially, it’s not everyone that caused this reaction, and here was where the veracity of this lesson began to genuinely hit home. I wasn’t jealous, far from it: my own mindset left me wanting.

Knowing you are not working hard at the right things is a terrible tyranny.

There are also some fairly brutal home truths that have become apparent in the last eight months, mostly learnt from other people who are clearly insanely talented and genuinely capable adults who have been royally shafted at all stages of the publication process. When you accept that however hard you try, it STILL might never be enough, it‘s a painful space to inhabit.

So, you diversify. You consider other adjuncts to the main plan and explore them, and in some cases you make appallingly shitty decisions and shaft yourself in the process. The fact remains that certain people who loved what you did when you seemed to align with their ideals suddenly will not feel the same way as you literally continue to be yourself. It’s okay: you are changing, they are not.

It is not your fault if your own progression actively alters the way they look at you.

I remember the male friends before getting pregnant who refused to come and see my son when he was born. The red flags should have been obvious well before that point, on reflection, and ever since the fact there is no one other man I would consider as being anything near to close is a cause for continued sadness. Sometimes, life changes and you are forced to do the same, simply to survive.

That ended up as a conscious choice, based on a number of factors, and it has allowed me a lot of freedom to properly explore my identity properly. I am grateful for all the women who know me, and care, and have become vital sounding boards for my own progression, but am also very much aware that not all of these relationships are set to last long-term. Other people alter too.

When the directions you are travelling diverge, this may be a natural end.

The point of this post is twofold: I know the people who can’t read what I write, who it would be detrimental to, and this is not something that will ever be pushed. That clearly goes both ways too, in a number of cases. What is left is an acceptance that however hard it is, I am only now able to manage the complexities of relationships on all levels with any form of competence. It has taken six decades.

That means no school friends. I have consciously uncoupled myself from any form of contact with 99% of the people I was at college with because literally nobody really gives a fuck about me anyway, they were my husband’s mates to begin with. The only meaningful relationships really have taken place in the last 20 or so years, after I accepted it was me who was the problem and not anybody else.

I am very grateful NOT to be the person I was back then any more.

I can’t alter the anxiety, or the inevitable consequences of undiagnosed autism, or depression, or the very much diagnosed childhood trauma and dissociative amnesia. However, I can now manage them a great deal more capably. They don’t control me 95% of the time. This is therefore a truly significant step forward, and one that is not being capitalised on as much as would be possible. We’re on that.

Healing is taking place: Forest Management is a very significant piece of that puzzle that is now complete… the next bit is in your hands. It would be lovely to sell out my pre-sale package before launch, so we’re going to do our very best to make that happen. This isn’t simply for me either, but my publisher, who deserves all the good things. After that, I will do as much as I can to keep moving forward.

In the end, all I can ever do is my best.