Pattern Matching #3

Someone once told me that the better you are at your craft, the more likely you are to doubt your own ability. I still am not totally convinced by this argument, that smoke and mirrors can be employed to hide a multitude of sins. In this last year it is my determination to react honestly to things which has become the trigger for uncertainty. Yesterday, I had a meltdown as a result of such a moment.

This morning, I have what can be identified as an adrenaline hangover, which is normally reserved for the night after particularly stressful or involved performance nights. I’ve been working hard on some rather unconventional means to manage my stress reactions, as the vast majority of the physical symptoms I end up suffering from can be directly linked to cortisol levels.

The combination of relaxation and awareness is absolutely having an effect.

We are also pushing physically well past what used to be the threshold for a number of things: a new machine at the upgraded Gym allows me to perform a glute bridge in a far more controlled way than simply shoving a weight on my lower body and hoping for the best. I’m saving core workouts from Instagram that I know are exactly the challenge I am looking for.

Without this increased physical fitness I would have buckled long before the point I did on the Trail. The heat was an absolute limiting factor on certain days, the amount of literal legwork was significant. It is not now something I want to allow to slip away either, so we are having to relearn some exchange mechanisms. When there is hard work, I need to balance that with rest.

Doing the same with my brain is the issue that I’m struggling with right now.

As we discussed yesterday, the Collection creation process is in full swing and this has, at least for the next few days, moved into my head. Editing old work (because this is in effect what is happening) I suspect I find a lot less stressful than other people do. In fact, between you and me, it is a task I find rather relaxing. Making things better, which is what editing is at its core, is always a source of joy.

There’s some real world things that need to happen today, including giving blood, which means I am obliged to wait a full 24 hours after donation to do anything remotely or overly physical. This may have intentionally been organised to coincide with my editing project, and it gives me an entire day tomorrow to get my head down and robustly attack certain sections of my manuscript into shape.

I hope to have a proper working first draft complete by the end of this week.

Then, I have already organised some 'beta readers' to take a cheeky look and make comments. They can also pass judgement as they wish, because at this point it's not so much the opinion I care about. Mostly, this is getting a Goal Thing done, properly, and in a format that I am completely in control of. After that, I'll find something else to distract myself with under the auspice of 'progress'.

There are a few to choose from right now. We'll talk about one tomorrow...