Personal #2

Altering the Game Plan, One Pause at a Time

Standing still has, for a while now, been something that has been actively avoided. If I am not exercising or not working, something is up. Yesterday, however, largely because moving was painful (sciatica flare up) and to beat it I'd have needed a good hour of warmup, plus I was frankly too fucking tired mentally for that after pushing myself the day before, nothing was what happened.

On Wednesday night, I was suitably humbled in a creative situation. Watching other people complete a task that I was simply not built for became a Thing. There are two ways to go normally when this happens in my life: meltdown or withdrawal. Interestingly, at the time neither happened. It wasn't coping, per se, but it was absolutely an attempt to rationalise the panic.

This morning I know my brain has let go of something significant.

Normally in the weeks leading up to a birthday I become needlessly critical and introspective of myself. Has enough been done in the last year? This year I can be reasonably confident that yes, we hit the targets. The fact I now also recognise that the previous years behaviour is toxic and therefore unhelpful is the better indicator of how far things have come since 2025. I am again moving forwards.

The change has come from the use of space, which is a totally unironic comment. My poetry has, in the last six months, moved a LONG way from the direction both it and I were travelling. Work I could never have thought about attacking is now calling my name. Instead of big ideas, I am becoming more interested in detail, and undoubtedly introspection is beginning to creep in.

I have a rough idea of what will now follow.

What has to happen as a matter of priority is for me to finish writing an email. After that I ought to practice my virtual online launch set at least once, and then I should try and drag out a poem for the open mic event I have BEFORE the virtual launch, and don't ask me about any of that organisation because it is the lesson that has not only been learnt but absolutely been etched into this brain.

Off we go into a four week period where there is not a day when I will be doing nothing. I have absolutely no complaints whatsoever about this, and this is undoubtedly the best birthday month in a decade.

I made this all happen for myself.